Well it's almost been two years since I last blogged. I've been writing in my journals here and there...I can't believe it's been two years...Seriously where does the time go?? It's been a crazy years to say the least...N's divorce finally got finalized...dad and two heart attacks at the beginning of last year....grams found out she had terminal cancer and died a month later...and J and I still haven't gotten pregnant. And everyone else around me is.
I mean I have a pretty darn good life. I have a house, a husband, a great family, good friends, good dogs, health for the most part...I just want a family more than anything in the world. I was just telling my husband I would sell my wedding ring to have money if we had to do IVF one day. It's just been an emotional roller coaster these past two years, mostly this past year and this month.
Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who never wanted kids....because it would make it that much easier to not miss the feeling of wanting them so bad. I'm tired of things not working. I'm tired of spending on money and things not working. I"m tired of the ups and downs...I feel like it is just too much to ask for.
I know God has a plan for me..."For I know the plans I have for you..plans to give you hope and a future..." I wish...I WISH I knew what that plan was. They always say God won't give you more than you can handle, well he must think I can handle this and he must have a lot more faith in me than I have in myself be/c I feel sometimes I'm just gonna breakdown...not that I don't have my moments of crying and feeling sorry for myself.
I joke around that I should have gotten pregnant in high school or before I was married be/c isn't that how people do it nowadays?? I mean I feel like I know more people who are single/unmarried that are pregnant. And people are happy for them?? Happy that we're paying them with our tax money for them to have a baby?? It may be selfish of me to not be happy for them, but they aren't the ones spending thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant.
It just makes me so sad...thinking about it just makes me cry...:*( I don't know what's worse...having miscarriages or just never getting pregnant?? And I'm so tired of hearing people with kids complain about not getting sleep or this or that. I would die to not get sleep be/c of that. Instead I'm not getting sleep because all I think about is why...why is it taking us so long.
I just wanna go back in the past when I didn't know it was going to be this hard to get pregnant. When there were no worries. And I was running free on our 2 acres of property and grams and gramps were alive. I'm just so sad. Ya know that sad where sometimes you feel like you're never going to stop crying...Sometimes I just wanna throw in the towel and be done with trying...but I want this so bad.
I got rid of my facebook. Too much drama on that. And I just decided I don't want people "knowing" about my life that really aren't a part of my life. I talk to and see all the people I want to. And I'm just tired of the negativity of it and I just want to spend more time OFF the computer and more time reading or scrapbooking, working out or chilling with my husband. And I'm tired of reading about more people getting pregnant with their first or second or third child.
I would give up my whole life to have a baby. I would go back in the past and never do any sports if it meant my body would be baby ready. Sometimes I wish I was in a nightmare and I would wake up and everyone I loved would all be together.
Miley Cyrus said it best in her song "When I look at you" 'Cause there is no guarantee, that this life is easy. When my world is falling apart, when there's no light to break up the dark that's when I look at you.'
People keep telling me they are praying for me to get pregnant but I feel like I need a miracle. I hate this instant gratification world. Then moments like this wouldn't hurt so bad. I'm gonna have faith though. Through Him all things are possible. I'm gonna believe that. And whatever plan God has for me I'll do. And one day I'll understand.
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