Bittersweet....again....

Well I knew it...I told her she'd get pregnant with her second before I even got pregnant with my first. I think she knew she was but just wanted to play it off. I mean I really am happy for her. But deep down inside of me. Inside the core of me just died a little bit more. "I'm falling apart...I'm barely breathing....with a broken heart."

I feel broken. Just completely Broken. Like what is the purpose of my life. Give me something. If I can't have kids then what the hell am I doing on earth...cause it sure ain't for the awesome job I don't have or the fulfilling job I don't have. If I can't reproduce then what good am I as a female. Nothing. Worthless. Garbage. Might as well get rid of my insides then because obviously they don't do shit.

Ahh here we go again with the waterworks. I was doing so good there for awhile. I just knew though. Deep down inside knew she was pregnant. Even though she said they weren't trying...i don't necessarily believe that. If you were really worried about getting pregnant and didn't want to until he got his job up there then you would have worn a condom. The pull out method doesn't always work...well I mean I wouldn't know...but so I've heard.

I just wanna scream. I wanna run away. I wanna be someone who doesn't care to have kids. Sometimes I feel like doing what AH use to do. I mean I won't, but I hurt so bad on the inside that I feel like I need to see how bad the pain is that I really feel.

I don't want anyone telling me to keep the faith or "it'll happen" "I have faith it's going to happen" "this is gonna be the year" really everyone??? Is it?? Is it????????????????????????????????????????????

Sometimes I feel like I can't do this anymore. I better go before J. He's a good man who deserves someone who can give him kids. I just I don't know, ya know. I just don't know what to do anymore.