Why not share...

Sooo...today N came over to bring me back my dresses I let her borrow. While she was here we thought we would get our niece a southwest giftcard to help towards a plane ticket this summer! Well...we couldn't remember D's email so I went to get on mine...J was logged in still so I just got on his knowing he had her email. So I click on email and then there is this email from san fran...so normally she sends mass emails to us so I thought I'd just read it while on his page cause it said follow up...anyway, totally NOT what I thought it was. It was about how she was feeling bad we didn't get her a congratulatory card for her wedding (i'm sorry she's HIS friend). He should be the one who does that. Anyway and how J brought up something from the past which I have no idea about what. And then how she's praying for us and is sorry for his personal problems he's going through and financial problems. So i'm like what the french toast....

So then I text him and am like lets just forget the treatments since apparently you're telling people about our financial problems. Well he said it has nothing to do with that. And I said I wish he would just tell me things sometimes and he said well your plate was full.

Whatever... Sometimes I just feel like he just doesn't like sharing things with me.

So if i don't already feel like a failure as a female I feel more like a failure knowing i quit my job that I hated with a passion. And now making shit for money babysitting. I never wanted to get my stupid degree in CJ. WTH. This is not what I had planned for myself. I'm just so over everything..

Starting a new chapter soon!

Well today was the breaking point. I've complained about how much I can't stand working at ChristieCare and now I finally am stopping bitching and just being done. I haven't felt this good about a decision for a long time. But it's time to move on. Whether I have a job or what not at least I have baby sitting for now and then vball in fall. I just really need this time for myself.

So here's to not being threatened by kids at work anymore!!!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

Yes, I got my green on!! So lately things have been better. Still at times bitter lol...but better. I'm just coming to face the facts that some people are meant to not have to spend thousand of dollars getting pregnant, while others are...Some people have disfunctioning ovaries....some don't...on and on and on....such is life. But I do have a lot of things good in my life. So I'm gonna breathe in and savor all I've got.

For God Knows the Plans He has for me.

Oh J has been working out and eating healthy and lookin good!! Now that I'm not on shots I've been working out and feel better and have been eating gluten free since Monday lol so for two days and I feel good too. No upset tummy's.

Well it's time to go watch some cute babies!!

Luck O' the Irish :)

Bittersweet....again....

Well I knew it...I told her she'd get pregnant with her second before I even got pregnant with my first. I think she knew she was but just wanted to play it off. I mean I really am happy for her. But deep down inside of me. Inside the core of me just died a little bit more. "I'm falling apart...I'm barely breathing....with a broken heart."

I feel broken. Just completely Broken. Like what is the purpose of my life. Give me something. If I can't have kids then what the hell am I doing on earth...cause it sure ain't for the awesome job I don't have or the fulfilling job I don't have. If I can't reproduce then what good am I as a female. Nothing. Worthless. Garbage. Might as well get rid of my insides then because obviously they don't do shit.

Ahh here we go again with the waterworks. I was doing so good there for awhile. I just knew though. Deep down inside knew she was pregnant. Even though she said they weren't trying...i don't necessarily believe that. If you were really worried about getting pregnant and didn't want to until he got his job up there then you would have worn a condom. The pull out method doesn't always work...well I mean I wouldn't know...but so I've heard.

I just wanna scream. I wanna run away. I wanna be someone who doesn't care to have kids. Sometimes I feel like doing what AH use to do. I mean I won't, but I hurt so bad on the inside that I feel like I need to see how bad the pain is that I really feel.

I don't want anyone telling me to keep the faith or "it'll happen" "I have faith it's going to happen" "this is gonna be the year" really everyone??? Is it?? Is it????????????????????????????????????????????

Sometimes I feel like I can't do this anymore. I better go before J. He's a good man who deserves someone who can give him kids. I just I don't know, ya know. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I just feel like my job is so useless...as in I do nothing for the clients at the one program. The program is a joke and the head people don't care what we staff have to say. The program could be good, but they let the kids be lazy and filthy and ugh...

I don't want to look for another job for a few reasons...one I want to be able to have the flexibility...two i want to get pregnant so bad and don't want to have to quit a job or miss appointments for trying to get pregnant...and three then I get to babysit Maile when they're in town....sigh...I just want to do something useful with my life. I would totally do something like go to Haiti or somewhere to help out and feel like I'm making a difference some where.

But now I just feel useless. I just want to be a mom so bad. I truly feel like that's what I'm supposed to do...be a mom and a wife and take care of them and teach them about God and love them and help them be who THEY want to be, not who someone else wants them to be.

I would do so many things over in life. LIke stick up for myself and what I really want to do. I didn't really want to go into criminal justice. I mean at one point in time I did because of the movie The Client, but then I wish I would have done nutrition or something. Not that I haven't enjoyed working at the jobs I have had with kids, I just am over it. I want my own kids now.

Sigh...anyway...last night was awesome! I just love J man :)

OH yeah so anyway, that past few weeks working at Mo I just sit and read or maybe watch a movie. I'm sorry but I'm not going to clean up after the slobs. I get paid pretty much nothing and it's not teaching them anything if someones always wiping their butt or holding their hand. And they just eat and eat and it grosses me out!! Someone needs to take them to the doctor and have the doctor tell them they are gonna die of heart disease if they don't start working out or eating crap!!

Well at least the highlight of my week comes tomorrow! Babysitting my two favorite boys here in Oregon :) B and K :)

All for now...

Waiting game...

So today I had a doc appointment and found out that my ovaries need to recover from the last round of injectibles. So on the u/s it showed that they were still stimulated (as in the follicles were still big) I'm not sure if that means they are cysts? I guess I should ask that next. So anyway...my next appointment is april 5. He put me on birth control for a month so that I'll get AF on time.

It makes me sad that here we go again with more waiting...it's like my life is constantly on hold. I just wish I was normal and could get pregnant like most woman. But I'm trying not to think about it too much. hmmm But since I have this month off I'm going to work out a good amount since last month I was on restriction pretty much do to the meds and my ovaries growing follicles.

My doc feels really optimistic that i'll get pregnant especially now that we've done one round and now he can do the meds a little different...instead of going from one vial to 2 we'll go from 1 to 1/2...kind of makes me nervous because with two I really showed they were working, but with one my E2 didn't go up like it should. I mean I know he's the doc and knows what he's doing. It's in Gods hands and the docs hands. So i pray that God gives the doc guidance in helping us get pregnant.

I haven't had a facebook since thursday and to be honest it feels good. I've been reading more and it's just more personal to talk on the phone to people. Ok so twice I've looked on Nicole's but b/c I wanted to see what a few of my friends updates were (ones that I see or just saw), but it's nice not having the burden to feel like I HAVE to post on someone's wall. And it really is important that I focus on myself and my life right now.

I feel like as long as I keep myself busy this month that it'll go by pretty fast. I just want this so bad! Oh so everytime I go to the doc my stomach gets upset on que! grrrr I hate that. It's annoying. But it could always be worse.

I'm reading the last book of the Sunrise series of Karen Kingsbury and she just is so inspiring/her books are. There is a verse that has come up a few times in this book and it's one I read awhile back and it says:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phillipians 4: 6

This is just so true and inspiring and I just need to surender everything I am and let God know my requests and as Joelle said keep knocking on His door.

Persistence.

Good Weekend~

So Saturday I got a visit from a friend lol and suprising enough it made me happy only because I never know when this friend will come. Anywho, so I got to spend the day with my mom which I really needed. We sat in the car and talked for a good hour or so about everything that's going on in my life. I cried...what's new lol sigh... but I needed to just let it all go while talking to mom. Then after we talked we went in to the salon and got deluxe pedicures which were wonderful!!!

Then we had lunch at costco :) Then I dropped her off and headed to N's to watch her dog. J man came and we went to dinner and had hawaiian! mmm d lish! unfortunately I started to not feel so hot so we didn't go to a movie. We came home and I passed out at 8:45pm!!! Yes very very tired! Such a long past two weeks and my body said you need to rest!

Today J and I went to breakfast and then got him some new sunglasses at the mall. Then I got to go wedding dress shopping with Vanilla!!!!! Ahh she looked GORGEOUS in ALL OF THEM!! Seriously!!! Then J and I went and saw Cop Out. Normally I don't like stupid humor but I must admit I laughed quite a bit!! Now we're gonna chill at home and watch the Oscars!!

Soo wish me luck for tomorrows U/S...wonder what H will say...hmmm