Bitter Sweet

Well, I'm in Iowa right now, staying with my sister and brother-in-law. My sister just had a baby boy to add to the addition of their family. (already have a 6 3/4 year old daughter! That 3/4 is very important!) :) It's been pretty warm the past few days, and when I say warm...I mean like 29 degrees. When I first got here it was -25! So as you can see the temperature has greatly improved.

As for in Oregon, my parents just got at least 7 inches of fresh snow yesterday! So my dog has been romping around in it.

Well, yesterday, my second oldest sister just told us that her and her family (husband and my goddaughter/niece) are moving to Iowa where my oldest sister lives. I don't think it hit me at first at what she was saying because I kept a smile on my face as I stood in the shower, saying how happy I was for her and how I understood. Then she said she wanted to talk to our older sister. As I walked up the stairs, with the phone barely hanging on in my hand, the tears just fell like a dam had been broken. I started to cry...you know the kind of crying where you can barely breathe...and you feel like you are hyperventilating? That kind.

I got back in the shower, stood there and let my tears run with the flowing water. I immediately thought of my parents not having any of their grandkids near them now. I closed my eyes and began praying to God to please bless my husband and I with a baby. I want so much for my kids one day to grow up near their grandparents. Stupid me...I even wanted to have kids so that they could grow up with my goddaughter/niece and be close to their cousin, but that won't happen.

All these hundreds of thoughts began gushing through my mind. My parents. There only grandchild in Oregon, moving away from them...my goddaugther, I won't get to see her grow up now and spend every week with her...my dad's fishing partner, Mark, gone in Iowa....the holidays, separated....my parents just bought a hi-chair and play pen for there granddaughter, thinking she'll be seeing them every weekend....and missing my sister, playing volleyball with her, going over to her house all the time...

I know they are doing this to better there life and so my brother in law can make more money. My sister can then raise her daughter. They can have a nice house with a big backyard and a garage. It's just so bitter sweet. I want to be happy for them. And I am, but at the same time I want to be selfish and say I don't understand.

My other niece yesterday came downstairs and asked me if I was ok. She said, "Don't worry auntie, don't be sad. You can always come out here to vacation and you can see all of us then." Of course that made me cry AGAIN. I was pretty bummed the rest of the day, so I stayed downstairs listening to music and crying. I called my other sister and she and I cried...no, bawled on the phone together. Now I worry about her moving one day since her husband is a pilot. Then I'll be the only daughter left in Oregon.

My husband and I won't move since he has a great job and his family and well as my family...I mean my parents and one sister are in Oregon. As much as I say I want to move to a warmer state, I don't want to leave my parents. It's not like they are getting any younger, although they are pretty active.

I'm just crushed inside. Maybe people don't understand why this hurts so bad...but if you had a close family and then they get separated and you wonder when you're going to see them next, and most likely only if you fly out there, it just really sucks. I don't have anymore tears right now. It's hard to listen to music right now cause I swear every song that comes on is talking about missing someone or letting go, etc.

Well, hopefully I can look on the brightside of this...if there is one...